The Gibby Fifty: 50 Favorite Songs of 2017

Hey all, and welcome back for day 2 of Listmas 2017!

I imagine that most of us are going to spend the day abuzz about Star Wars, or staying off the internet to avoid Star Wars spoilers. I get that! So today is going to be a light day for us here at the RAM office, with just the Gibby Fifty: my 50 favorite songs for the year. The rules for this list are brief, but eternal: one song per artist/album, had to come out this year or on an album this year, and if it’s here, it’s not on the Best Pop Songs list that starts tomorrow. I also wrote one or two liners for a couple of songs this year because hey, let’s try something different. The songs are in alphabetical order, and there’s a Ranting About Music #branded playlist at the bottom.

Amber Coffman – “All to Myself”
Arcade Fire – “Creature Comfort” – This thing already sounded like a staple live
Best Ex – “See You Again” – New project from Mariel Loveland of Candy Hearts, pretty idiosyncratic and peppy
Broken Social Scene – “Please Take Me With You”
Bully – “Kills To Be Resistant”
Calvin Harris ft. ScHoolboy Q, PARTYNEXTDOOR, D.R.A.M. – “Cash Out”
Charly Bliss – “DQ” – I swear, you can hear Eva Hendricks sing exclamation point on that last line
Cloud Nothings – “Modern Act”
Drake – “Teenage Fever”
Frank Ocean – “Chanel” – “My guy pretty like a girl” is this year’s best opening lyric
Future – “Draco”/”Hallucinating” – Get you somebody that can do booff
Gorillaz ft. D.R.A.M. – “Andromeda”
Gucci Mane ft. Offset – “Met Gala”
Harmony Woods – “Renovations” 
Japandroids – “No Known Drink or Drug” –  1:44 in this song is like swan diving off 6 Marshall full stacks into someone’s arms, I love it.
Japanese Breakfast – “Road Head”
Jay Som – “Baybee” – How does Melina Duterte do so easily what Kevin Parker broke his ankles trying to do on Currents?
Julien Baker – “Happy to Be Here”
Katie Ellen – “Han”
Kendrick Lamar – “GOD.”
Kississippi – “Cut Yr Teeth” – This song came out like 6 days ago, which is the same number of times I’ve listened to it a day since then
Kitty – “Sugarwater”
Kurt Vile & Courtney Barnett – “Over Everything”
Lana Del Rey – “Love”
LCD Soundsystem – “how do you sleep?” – LCD Soundsystem, an all-time bitter band, have never sounded this acidic, and it’s great to hear Murphy just go scorched earth
Leggy – “Not What You Need”
Lil Uzi Vert ft. Pharrell – “Neon Guts”
Lorde – “Supercut”
The Menzingers – “After the Party”
Migos ft. 2 Chainz – “Deadz”
The National – “I’ll Still Destroy You”
Paramore – “Caught in the Middle” – “I don’t need no help/I can sabotage me by myself” and people really want to say Paramore aren’t emo anymore.
Perfume Genius – “Otherside”
Queens of the Stone Age – “The Evil Has Landed”
Run the Jewels – “Legend Has It” – This song wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Black Panther
Ryan Adams – “Do You Still Love Me?”
Small Circle – “About You”
The Smith Street Band – “Song For You” – A good, brawny, punk rager
Sorority Noise – “A Better Sun”
St. Vincent – “Sugarboy”
SZA – “Prom”
Taylor Swift – “So It Goes…” – Yeah, yeah
Thunder Dreamer – “You Know Me”
Vince Staples – “745”
The War on Drugs – “Strangest Thing”
Weezer – “Happy Hour” – Weezer basically wrote a Sirius XM single, but I kinda like it?
White Reaper – “Judy French” – This is the perfect “It’s Friday, and school/work’s out” jam
Wolf Alice – “Don’t Delete the Kisses”
The World is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die – “Infinite Steve”
Young Thug ft. Future – “Relationship”

Listmas 2017 Schedule
12/14: Favorite Albums
12/15: The Gibby Fifty (50 Favorite Songs)
12/16: Top Ten Best Hits of 2017 (pt. 1)
12/17: Top Ten Best Hits of 2017 (pt. 2)
12/18: Top Ten Worst Hits of 2017 (pt. 1)
12/19: Top Ten Worst Hits of 2017 (pt. 2)
12/20: The Year In Rant/Odds and Ends

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Ranting About Music’s Top 17 Favorite Albums of 2017

LISTMAS TIME!! Welcome to Listmas, the annual end of the year mania here at Ranting About Music!, where we look back on highs and lows of the year in music. As always, this means you’ll see a new post going up every day for 7 whole days, starting today. It’s a lot of fun for me, and really, it’s a thank you to y’all for reading. I appreciate the continued love and support this site got this year and every year. Today, we’re starting, per tradition, with my favorite albums. Full calendar’s at the end of the piece!

The album class of 2017 is an interesting beast. There were a lot of great albums out across multiple genres, but it didn’t have that thing 2016 did where it sometimes felt like there was a new capital M Masterpiece popping up somewhere every few weeks. You’ve seen this translate to a little more diversity in 2017’s list toppers. Like, yeah, there are still two records that have shown up on about every list I’ve seen (including this one because I can only be so contrarian), but it’s not to the point where you can guess everyone’s Top 5.

Instead, this has been what I’ve thought of as “the year of the 8.5.” It’s been a relatively light year on albums that make you say, “Yes, that is the one from that artist,” but it’s been really easy to keep this year’s best in rotation. Each record, from the moody soundscapes to the punk scorchers to the intimate strummers, has songs that meant a lot to me, and I hope they can mean a lot to you too, if you check’em out. I always like to call this my list of obsessions. We’re gonna do a lucky 7 on the honorary mentions, and then the top ten, m’kay?

17. Perfume Genius – No Shape
16. Japandroids Near to the Wild Heart of Life
15. Japanese Breakfast – Soft Sounds from Another Planet
14. Vince Staples – Big Fish Theory
13. St. Vincent – MASSEDUCTION
12. Wolf Alice – Visions of a Life
11. Charly Bliss – Guppy

10. Future – HNDRXX
Empty space. That’s always the first thing that hits me about
HNDRXX: that an album by Future, a rapper who has specialized in relentless trap music for the last 3ish years, opens with space empty but for abstract vocalizing. Over the album’s expansive run time, Future uses that space for some of his best songs, shedding aggro-trap rap for a bunch of songs that lean more into R&B and interstellar pop. There are plenty of capable songs here, like always, but the record goes on a run midway that’s damn near bulletproof from “Use Me” to “Hallucinating” that Future’s recent output just can’t keep up with. He sounds invested on HNDRXX, too, like a man finally coming out of a purple haze with a rekindled flare for life. Future’s spent years telling us he was among the stars; HNDRXX makes him sound like he might not be alone up there for once.

9. Lorde – Melodrama
I keep going back and forth with Melodrama. On one hand, it’s as perfectly executed a mainstream pop album as you’ll see this year (he wrote on the 4th anniversary of Beyonce’s surprise release from orbit) that takes more risks than it had to, but on the other hand, I feel like the hype celebrates this record for being the stone cold classic it isn’t because it’s kind of hard to root against Lorde. It comes down to the music for me, and fuck it, “The Louvre” is such a good song that it’s taught me how to spell “Louvre,” I’m still tickled that the synth panic on “Hard Feelings” gets to exist on a big tent pop album, “Sober II/Melodrama” slaps, and “Supercut” is a top 5 pick for song of the year. If Melodrama gets remembered as Lorde’s best album, I’ll be a little bummed, but it still left a mark on me all year long.

8. [tie] Julien Baker – Turn Out the Lights/Sorority Noise – You’re Not As _____ As You Think
These two are tied because I ended up thinking about them together. Granted, part of that is because the two artists know each other (Baker gets a lyrical nod on “A Better Sun,” Sorority Noise frontman Cameron Boucher plays woodwinds on Turn Out the Lights), but these records feel like two different paths to the same end of coping with trauma.

These records–hell, these artists–are emotionally beat back by substance abuse, mental illness, and the suicides of others; and are tasked with finding their will and self-worth in the fall out. They’re also both more than a little Christian, and search for absolution through musical catharsis. Baker’s singer-songwriter approach favors hushed piano and guitar balladry with pensive lyricism, while Sorority Noise utilize battered pop-punk to describe being mentally bombed out but resilient. Both of these records face their demons in isolation, and they’re both more than a little devastating (okay, they’re fucking devastating), but ultimately, Julien Baker and Sorority Noise see the value of others, and more importantly, themselves.

7. Kitty – Miami Garden Club
Kitty (“Kitty Pryde” when she was viral) took a long journey to get to Miami Garden Club from her tumblr cloud rap days. She developed and refined her persona and voice. She went from journal-centric cloud rap to trance to EDM. She moved a bunch. And all that work has culminated with Miami Garden Club, which blends everything she’s done, and moves it somewhere almost post-pop. There are some conventional tracks on here, like slurry electro-popper “Running Away,” ‘80s sci-fi jam “Asari Love Song,” and squelching rap banger “Mass Text Booty Call,” but I wasn’t able to get this thing out of my head because most of the album lives in the abstract areas between pop, rap, EDM, R&B, and even video game-y chiptune. It might just be my ignorance, but what do you call a song like “New Leaf” that sounds like trance meets pop and strips both genres to the essentials? Or “If U Wanna Come Over,” which matches floating synths and robot noises to rap rhythms? Honestly speaking, Miami Garden Club reminds me of Blond(e) in that both records are the sound of an artist not caring about what anyone else is doing, and going their own way. We could use more of that.

6. Paramore – After Laughter
Paramore’s fifth record snuck up on me. When it was released following a lightning quick campaign in May, I liked it plenty, although I thought it didn’t quite match their 2013 self-titled effort. But these songs stick. I found myself coming back to “Rose-Colored Boy,” “Told You So,” “Pool,” “Fake Happy,” “Idle Worship,” and especially “Caught in the Middle” throughout the year, and stacking all these songs next to each other only strengthened their appeal. There’s nuance to this record, too; really listen to how many drum rolls and fills are splashing about in “Grudges,” the vocals buttressing “Idle Worship,” or synths on “Told You So,” and tell me Paramore didn’t secretly make one of the year’s catchiest headphone albums. Now, throw in Hayley Williams’ powerhouse vocals and darkest lyrics over that, and you’ve got a potent, memorable cocktail about letting yourself feel how you feel while still moving forward. After Laughter isn’t just dancing with tears in your eyes, but finding the people and things that keep you dancing.

5. SZA – Ctrl
Ctrl’s name works on multiple levels. At its most metatextual, it reasserts SZA’s control over her career, which looked just a year ago like it was going to flame out before she could capitalize on the promises of a few EPs, guest spots due to executive meddling. On another level, the name reflects how the album is a constant back and forth about who maintains control in and of a relationship. And finally, ctrl is a record about the consequences of maintaining (or hell, just trying to maintain) control in your life. It’s an album that doesn’t shy away from handling the shit that makes you feel insecure, but it also plays with the highs and lows of where those insecurities take you. Despite the themes, though, ctrl is an often breezy and melodic listen (what’s the last major TDE record that wasn’t a major head rocker?) with a wildly expressive voice leading the charge. There’s nothing less than great in this record’s first seven tracks, and SZA grounds the spacier back 7, too–just listen to how she does on the interstellar “Anything.” This has been SZA’s breakout year, and one listen to Ctrl is enough to say she deserves it. Debuts rarely sound this commanding.

4. The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die – Always Foreign
The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die came back to kick it. The Connecticut emo collective knew they couldn’t blow their expansive sound on Harmlessness even further out for their next record, so they decided to fold it in on itself. The result is their tightest work musically (“The Future” and “Dillion and Her Son” are still just impossibly catchy two and a half minute poppy punk songs) that matches their most direct lyrical effort. Always Foreign is a record of binaries: it has brief and sprawling cuts that are equally impacting, and it has their most vitriolic lyrics, yet also, most empathetic; they’re a band where nothing feels off-limits. And, for a year with a frankly sometimes exhausting number of Trump records, this one felt layered. Always Foreign contends with not being able to save everyone, but treasuring who you have and lamenting who you’ve lost.

3. Harmony Woods – Nothing Special
“I think I might need you” goes the recurring lyric on Harmony Woods’ (led by Sofia Verbilla) debut record, a half-hour long document of falling in and falling out with someone after desperately trying to make it work. The record’s name doesn’t relate to its quality (no shit), but to the universality of a relationship’s arc, from the pain-in-the-neck struggle of getting to a paramour’s house just to realize it was worth it once you’re there, to watching TV so you can be together, to working with them emotionally…to knowing you can’t do this anymore, and what you’ve built won’t sustain either of you. Verbilla tells an aching and affecting story through personable vocals, repeating lyrical motifs, and in-the-room production (care of Modern Baseball’s Jake Ewald and Ian Farmer behind the console–Bren Lukens from the same band plays lead guitar).

Nothing Special has the hallmarks of a Philly record: it’s treble-friendly, punchy, and willfully zig-zags between singer-songwriter and punk, and stands out because of Verbilla’s ambition. Harmony Woods is self-described on band camp as “lo-fi by circumstance,” and the album’s last minute epics–I’m thinking of “Parking Lot” and “Renovations” in particular–attest to that. I can’t wait to hear the new adventures in hi-fi that could come from this group (sidenote: should you buy this one, which I truly suggest you do, I advise grabbing the physical, if only because this thing has my favorite liner notes/inner art design of the year).

2. Kendrick Lamar – DAMN.
If you told me Kendrick Lamar was gonna follow up 2015’s jazz-rap masterpiece To Pimp a Butterfly with a Southern Rap-tinged, palindromic odyssey that owes as much to the Old Testament as it does kung-fu movies, I probably wouldn’t have been that surprised until you told me people would go fucking nuts for it. DAMN. took on mainstream success Lamar’s previous records could have only dreamed of, but it’s hardly a kissass record or just a collection of woke bangers. DAMN. still looks over its shoulder plenty, it just feels more user-friendly because there aren’t any Kashami Washington sax freak outs or cassette tape skits gumming things up, and the singles are a little shinier. DAMN. doesn’t play it straight: there’s still a seven minute/three suite song, a two-parter with U2, a track that’s more blues than rap, and freeform slam poetry over Thundercat basslines. And while there’s still plenty of barbs about anti-Blackness in America, Lamar’s focus shifts inward this time. He worries about doing good works with his time on Earth. He battles ego, terror, and vices while trying to uphold truth and loyalty and wondering about his relationship with a righteous God. That he’s able to do this while still firing on all cylinders and perfecting that rasping, apocalyptic flow is, itself, basically a miracle. So pray for him, he’s dying of thirst.

1. Jay Som – Everybody Works
And to think this thing was made in a bedroom.

Jay Som’s Everybody Works is one of those records that clicked right away as “That One:” a document where you can hear an artist stretch in every direction without missing a stride. It’s indie pop, categorically speaking, but really, virtually any kind of pop or rock fan would find something to love here. If the reflective, pocket-sized anthem “The Bus Song” doesn’t do it, maybe “1 Billion Dogs,” a post-shoegaze pop rager with a gloriously noisy guitar solo will, or any one of Everybody Works’ 8 other fully release songs. This is Melina Duterte’s 2nd full release, but she already has a commanding knowledge of dynamic songwriting and incisive lyricism that makes for an album full of highlights like “For Light.” Duterte’s lack of genre fealty is refreshing, too; she’s just making the music she wants, and if that’s going to include stuff like technicolor psych-pop explosion “Baybee” and the Lonesome Crowded West crunch of “Take It,” I’m more than happy to keep listening. Everybody Works is an essential listen not just for how well it’s made, but for how well it cut through the noise this year; it’s about as welcoming as a pile of familiar blankets.

Listmas 2017 Schedule
12/14: Favorite Albums
12/15: The Gibby Fifty (50 Favorite Songs)
12/16: Top Ten Best Hits of 2017 (pt. 1)
12/17: Top Ten Best Hits of 2017 (pt. 2)
12/18: Top Ten Worst Hits of 2017 (pt. 1)
12/19: Top Ten Worst Hits of 2017 (pt. 2)
12/20: The Year In Rant/Odds and Ends

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Album Review: Taylor Swift – reputation

Taylor_Swift_-_ReputationTaylor Swift would be a bad serial killer.

She’d be a bad serial killer for a bunch of reasons, but specifically, the country girl-next-door turned pop center turned heel can’t help but leave a trail of breadcrumbs in her work to explain herself. Even before easter egg hunting and reference spotting were content industries, Swift littered her creations with nods about who or what certain songs were about, most famously by leaving secret messages in liner notes. The old Taylor is dead, but her compulsion to explain isn’t; instead of just not doing interviews for the reputation cycle, she captioned her announcement of Target-exclusive reputation magazines with, “There will be no further explanation. There will just be reputation.” and then liking tumblr posts that speculated that she wasn’t doing interviews. She rewards those who are observant, which could explain why I can’t get part of the magazine’s introductory letter (readable here) out of my head. Buried halfway through the third paragraph comes this line, “I’ve been in the public eye since I was 15 years old.” and that sentence feels like it should be in 48 point font. More than any lyric or video gif, that quote unlocks reputation to me; it’s the album where Taylor Swift is telling us, “I’ve been in the public eye since I was 15 years old, and I’m not sure it was worth it.”

Which is why reputation feels like an attempt by Swift to deescalate her status from “mind shatteringly famous” to “mega famous.” It tries to retrofit the last year and a half of pop/rap trends into a sound that gels with the decisively non-rap Swift of 1989, largely to middling effect. Sometimes, it sounds great (“So It Goes…”), sometimes it faceplants (“King of My Heart,” “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”), but mostly it’s just okay. For the first time in her career, there are no new worlds left for her to conquer, nor does reputation try to. The record’s also something of a feint: instead of a meditation on fame, media personas, and how much Kimye and Katy Perry suck, we’ve got an album of 12 crush/love songs with 3 seemingly left-field, context dependent screeds against some enemy that’s barely above the haters and fakers of “Shake It Off.” If nothing else, slotting “Look What You Made Me Do” as the lead single was a canny way for Swift to quiet the narrative up front: the initial controversy stuck more to the single, and she’s able to center the record on less incendiary topics.

The music of reputation suggests deescalation, too. Swift’s last five albums have–to varying degrees–incorporated stray elements into her core singer-songwriter sound, from the pop country of Fearless to the omnivorousness of Red to 1989‘s synthpop overtones. reputation marks the first time where she goes overtly contemporary, which might tie her to the moment. Working again with producers Max Martin, Shellback, and Jack Antonoff, Swift goes all-in on the sounds of 2016 and 2017, which means lots of echoing synths, stuttering drums, digitized vocals, and some of her most icy and metallic production. It’s brooding and unfriendly, but not unfamiliar for a pop landscape that’s had Blackout and 808s & Heartbreak in its DNA for the last decade, especially since these are still friendly enough pop songs (“Look What You Made Me Do” excluded). You can see this most readily in the album’s opening run, where “…Ready For It?” “I Did Something Bad,” and “Don’t Blame Me” have smoother moments to reign in their louder, more blustery, impulses.

Swift’s work with Martin and Shellback doesn’t have a great payout here. They do more with less on the airy “So It Goes…” a robo-ballad whose vocoder-ed verses and swooning chorus approaches the soft-touch electronica of ’00s Nine Inch Nails, and “Dancing With Our Hands Tied” works because of Swift pushing her range to the limit and a few synth tricks. These are the exceptions, though, since the productions are letdowns elsewhere, and Swift sounds locked a cell when it comes to Martin’s melodic math. These beats suffer because they’re pop approximations, and beg the question of what’s stopping Swift from going right to the source? If you’re going to try for an “urban radio” single, why not tap Cirkut or Metro Boomin? Instead of Shellback’s decent OVO impression on the dancehall adjacent “Delicate,” why not see if Ninteen85 will do it?

The other big name collaborator on reputation is Jack Antonoff, inflicting a third major appearance on a pop album aside from his own in 2017. I don’t begrudge Antonoff’s decision to shamelessly cozy up to every commanding female artist with a singular vision and a MetroCard so he can pop up in Vulture to say “And I helped” while dropping some pseudo-therapy talk about process, but if we’re going to let this guy run wild, he needs new sounds. My biggest criticism of Antonoff is that he lack imagination; his lone style is the bass-deficient, reverb reliant, arpeggio synth, gated drum, bouncing piano blast of ’80s worship that’s been a pop fixation for the last like, decade, and his version of it got tiring halfway through the first Bleachers album. It’s why something like “Getaway Car,” a synth-y late album opus, should feel exciting and effervescent, but just reads as stale.

One thing you can say for Swift’s tracks with Antonoff is that at least she sounds like a person. “Dress,” “Call It Want You Want,” and especially the intimate, sparse closer “New Year’s Day are her best performances, where she sings about having her heart interlinked with someone she is afraid to lose. She’s human, but coming from a weirder angle on other Antonoff collaborations “Look What You Made Me Do” and “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things,” the record’s Kanye West takedowns. When “Look What You Made Me Do” came out, I thought it might make more sense on the album, but if anything, the electroclash single sounds even more out of place between the dancehall crush song and glitchy torch one. And it’s somehow preferable to “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things,” where Swift boasts about living like Gatsby (. . . as a member of the nouveau riche whose life of glamour conceals their loneliness and longing for love and acceptance they’re incapable of receiving?) before dissing Kanye, only she does it by referencing two songs better than almost anything on reputation. This is all set to a bubbly mash-up of “Royals” and “Roar,” it’s buried at the end of the album between love songs, and there’s also a fake laugh and “oh my God I caaaan’t” bridge. It’s all very confusing.

Which might be preferable to the times she sounds like an algorithm result. I’ve mentioned this before, but Swift doesn’t mesh with Max Martin’s calculated songwriting, and nowhere is that more apparent than on the duo’s over-processed tracks. Is there a point you can make about digitized-to-death vocals representing the loss of Taylor Swift’s humanity at the hands of mass culture? Yes, but the album doesn’t engage with that idea. Instead, it sees her try rapping several times, using a light accent of something every now and then, and reheating the soggiest parts of “Bad Blood.” Look no further than what we made her do on (inevitable single) “Endgame,” where she has a tripping, over-practiced rap verse that falls somewhere below a double timing Future, but above #bars covered in flop sweat by Lannister bastard Ed Sheeran. Swift doesn’t sound awful on “Endgame”, but her performance is indicative of reputation writ large: someone getting by without playing to their strengths.

Not that it doesn’t sometimes work. The quiet romances detailed in “Delicate” and “Gorgeous” sound worth it, and once the record dispenses with the bangers and Swift has room to breathe, the second half improves. Closer “New Year’s Day” peels away layers of production until it’s just Swift and a piano, and her performance is outright compelling. She sings like she truly just went through midnight after midnight after someone with drinks (quick tangent: Swift mentions drinking so much on reputation that I thought it was the new Japandroids record), and wants to stay, no matter how tired she is or how many challenges await them in the outside world. It sounds relatable, which goes back to why she left all those little clues in her work in the first place; she wanted to tell us she was with us. If the swirl around reputation did more of that instead of obsess over Swifts interlinked within Swifts interlinked, or if the songs themselves were as sturdy as they were on her previous albums, then maybe this record could have been an interesting “turn back the curtain” to show what Swift’s fame has cost her. But it pays (red-painted) lip service that idea, offering anodyne relationship songs instead. Swift is ready to exit the narrative; she told us she was going to be bad, but really, she’s saying “Leave me alone.”

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Grammy Nominations/Predictions 2018

Like death and taxes–and usually about as fun–the Grammys are the one certainty through all of music-dom. Well, that and everyone grousing about end of year lists coming out sooner and sooner each year. Every winter, somewhere between the Super Bowl and the Oscars, is Music’s Biggest Night, a three and a half hour ceremony where less than a dozen of eighty-four awards are handed out in between performances, bizarre collaborations, and the annual reminder from the president of the Recording Academy not to pirate music (and don’t forget to hashtag at #GrammyMoment!). It’s a night usually known for its wailing and grinding of teeth.

But this year, the story going around is “The Grammys Are Actually Kind of Good,” which is…mostly true? The Big Four categories (Album/Record/Song of the Year + Best New Artist) are littered with hopeful nominees like in years past, but this year’s crew lacks both a capable but uninspired choice who will steamroll everything and any outright terrible choices. When Jay-Z is your worst guy in the Album of the Year category, things could be a lot worse. It remains to be seen if the Grammys’ pivot to youth is the result of widening diversity among their voting pool, a fluke, a result of poptimism, or the outcome of musical tastes homogenizing as music delivery systems themselves homogenize resulting in everyone more or less listening to the same thing by default forever and ever, but the field looks a little brighter this year than it has in a while, regardless.

Which is why we’re going to play a game called “Ifs and Wants” The way it’ll work is I’ll start each sentence with an “if” fragment about the awards, and it’ll end with a “want” fragment about something I want to happen at the ceremony, because I wanna take anything I can from the institution that thought a Lukas Graham and Kelsea Ballerini collaboration was something anyone wanted. Here’s an example: “IF ‘That’s What I Like’ Wins Song of the Year, I WANT Bruno Mars and the Hooligans to do a routine as his acceptance speech.” So I’ll do a few small ones, and then a couple of longer ones. My predictions for prominent categories will be underneath those at the end.

IF “Despacito” wins Song of the Year, I WANT Justin Bieber to get the least amount of speech time.
Ideally, he doesn’t even join Ramon Ayala, Jason Boyd, Erika Ender, Luis Fonsi, and Marty James Garton in going up to accept, because I feel like “Despacito” winning is a “lose your shit” moment, and Bieber doesn’t seem like he’d be great for those.

IF Childish Gambino wins any award during the telecast, I WANT Donald Glover to shoutout another Migos song.
It was part of their number-one run in January, why not get “T-Shirt” back on the charts to bookend the year? This one’s not big enough for its own separate entry, but I also want Glover to remark on his overt 70s funk throwback record winning Best Urban Contemporary Album, should that come to pass.

IF Nothing More get either award for Best Rock Performance or Best Rock Song, I WANT to see them perform.
This has way less to do with listening to their music (which is, in short, very bad) than it does me seeing what they look like, because just listening to [checks notes] “Go to War” makes me think it was written by 4 random Hot Topic employees.

IF Jay-Z wins Album of the Year, I WANT Beyonce to accompany him on-stage.
The even better version of this would be finding out that Jay has the Grammy plaque redone later to read that it goes to Lemonade, because 1. 4:44 is a less interesting, less compelling, and (probably) less well-received album without Lemonade, 2. It’s going to be the only way to keep Beyhive Twitter (still also known as “just Twitter”) from a mountain of “THEY GAVE JAY A GRAMMY FOR CHEATING ON BEYONCE AND NOT ONE TO BEYONCE” takes and 3. I’m just not ready for “The Grammys Hate Beyonce” to become a trilogy.

And now for two slightly longer ones.

IF Kendrick Lamar wins Album of the Year or Record of the Year, I WANT the Grammys to play “Sit down/Be humble.” as his walk-up music while cutting Ed Sheeran at least once.
This one plays both ways. First, a win for Kendrick outside the genre categories would go a long way to correcting his contentious past with the Grammys since both of his previous albums have had their hopes dashed at the hands of lesser creations. His landmark debut good kid, m.A.A.d city was shut out of the rap categories by Macklemore’s fun but disposable The Heist (it also lost Album of the Year, but it was a dark horse pick at best), and then in 2016, To Pimp A Butterfly–a possible consensus pick for album of the decade–lost to Taylor Swift’s 1989. You’re not really going to nominate the guy a third time just to say no, are you?

The other side to this want is that it cuts Ed Sheeran down in the pettiest way possible. Sheeran set the tone for the Divide album cycle in GQ profile where he matter-of-factly stated that he wanted to sell more records than Adele. Unapologetic careerism isn’t a sin in itself, but combined with Sheeran coming off as kind of an entitled ass in the profile, the fact that Divide has his most banal and most blatantly commercial songwriting, and his past Grammy success, and you’re left with a guy who expected he could collect his gramophones at the door and acted like it. Him getting locked out of the Big Three this year has to smart, and I just really wanna see his face listen to “Sit down, be humble.”

IF a country or rock artist presents an award or does a performance, I WANT them to comment on the genre getting kicked to the side.
The flipside to this year’s pop and rap-centric Big Four is that there’s no room left for the token “left-field genre nominee” in any category. Past years have seen the likes of Chris Stapleton, Alabama Shakes, and Little Big Town crowbar their way into the competition, none of whom have any stand-ins this time around. Which is a shame, because it’d be cool to see Paramore or somebody tussle with Bruno Mars in AOTY, or Miranda Lambert pop up in Song of the Year. Even though I like this year’s nominees enough, I’d put money on the entirety of the SOTY pool drawing from a near identical listening base, which is a little disheartening. The Grammys bill themselves as Music’s Biggest Night, and this year’s nominees–while again, solid–almost begs the question: are we all just listening to the same things?

And here are some of the more relevant nominations (predicted winner in bold).

Album of the Year
Bruno Mars – 24K Magic
Childish Gambino – Awaken, My Love!
Jay-Z – 4:44
Kendrick Lamar – DAMN.
Lorde – Melodrama

Song of the Year
Luis Fonsi ft. Daddy Yankee and Justin Bieber – “Despacito”
Jay-Z – “4:44”
Julia Michaels – “Issues”
Logic ft. Alessia Cara and Khalid – “1-800-273-8255” (it’s pedestrian without being trite, perfect Grammy choice)
Bruno Mars – “That’s What I Like”

Record of the Year
Childish Gambino – “Redbone”
Luis Fonsi ft. Daddy Yankee and Justin Bieber – “Despacito”
Jay-Z – “The Story of O.J.” (the “we’re sorry about your other two losses” award)
Kendrick Lamar – “HUMBLE.”
Bruno Mars – “24K Magic”

Best New Artist
Alessia Cara
Khalid (right mix of “new and different” and “willing to perform with Stevie Wonder at the 2019 Grammy ceremony”)
Lil Uzi Vert
Julia Michaels
SZA

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance
The Chainsmokers & Coldplay – “Something Just Like This”
Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber – “Despacito”
Imagine Dragons – “Thunder”
Portugal. The Man – “Feel lt Still”
Zedd & Alessia Cara – “Stay”

Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album
Michael Bublé – Nobody But Me
Bob Dylan – Triplicate
Seth MacFarlane – In Full Swing
Sarah McLachlan – Wonderland
Various Artists – Tony Bennett Celebrates 90
(I don’t have any insight as to who wins here; I just wanted people to know about this fucking bonkers category)

Best Pop Vocal Album
Coldplay – Kaleidoscope EP
Lana Del Rey – Lust For Life
Imagine Dragons – Evolve
Kesha – Rainbow (How great would this win be?)
Lady Gaga – Joanne
Ed Sheeran – Divide

Best Rock Performance (The Rock Grammys Are Weird, Pt. 1)
Leonard Cohen – “You Want It Darker”
Chris Cornell – “The Promise”
Foo Fighters – “Run”
Kaleo – “No Good”
Nothing More – “Go To War”

Best Rock Album (The Rock Grammys Are Weird, Pt. 2)
Mastodon – Emperor of Sand
Metallica – Hardwired… To Self-Destruct
Nothing More – The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Queens Of The Stone Age – Villains
The War On Drugs – A Deeper Understanding

Best Alternative Music Album
Arcade Fire – Everything Now
Gorillaz – Humanz 
LCD Soundsystem – American Dream
Father John Misty – Pure Comedy
The National – Sleep Well Beast (The only nominee where you can’t make a halfway convincing “This is their worst album” argument)

Best R&B Song
PJ Morton – “First Began”
Khalid – “Location”
Childish Gambino – “Redbone”
SZA – “Supermodel” (It’s either this or “Redbone” and choosing between them breaks my heart)
Bruno Mars – “That’s What I Like”

Best Urban Contemporary Album (aka, always one of the quietly strongest categories, coded name notwithstanding)
6LACK – Free 6LACK
Childish Gambino – Awaken, My Love!
Khalid – American Teen
SZA – Ctrl
The Weeknd – Starboy

Best Rap Performance
Big Sean -“Bounce Back”
Cardi B – “Bodak Yellow”
Jay-Z -“4:44”
Kendrick Lamar – “HUMBLE.” (He’s won recently for “i” and “Alright”)
Migos ft. Lil Uzi Vert – “Bad And Boujee”

Best Rap/Sung Performance
6LACK – “PRBLMS”
Goldlink ft. Brent Faiyaz & Shy Glizzy – “Crew”
Jay-Z ft. Beyoncé – “Family Feud”
Kendrick Lamar ft. Rihanna – “LOYALTY.”
SZA ft. Travis Scott -“Love Galore”

Best Rap Song
Cardi B – “Bodak Yellow” (this choice just seems too fun to not go with)
Danger Mouse Featuring Run The Jewels & Big Boi – “Chase Me”
Kendrick Lamar – “HUMBLE.”
Rapsody – “Sassy”
Jay-Z – “The Story Of O.J.”

Best Rap Album
Jay-Z – 4:44
Kendrick Lamar – DAMN.
Migos – Culture
Rapsody – Laila’s Wisdom
Tyler, The Creator – Flower Boy (the genre Grammys can get a little left-field, and so’s this choice)

This year’s Grammys are January 28th on CBS, which James Corden inflicted on us for a second year.

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