Earlier this week, Billboard put out their year-end Hot 100 biggest songs of the year. And, like all “best-of” or “year end” lists, it has the famous high points, “blink and you’ll miss it” hits, and terrible choices. And what better way to wrap up the year than to look at these these abominations? These aren’t just bad songs, these are bad songs that were everywhere. So let’s say hello to the worst of the best of 2010.
10. Glee’s Body of Work
Alright, technically none of Glee‘s songs made the year end list, but earlier this year, the show set a record for having the most appearances on the Hot 100 ever by one group (the previous holder of said record was The Beatles), so they “earned” this spot.
My main problem with Glee isn’t that they lack talent. Actually, most all of them can sing really well (something I can’t say about the majority of this list), and you can tell no expense has been spared on the production. The thing is, these songs are stripped of meaning, and because of how homogenized everything is, they don’t really have a reason to exist. Why listen to what’s basically a karaoke version of “Billionaire” when the real one works fine? There’s no substance behind any of these, but the music of the series is still puzzlingly a cash cow.
9. Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull – I Like It
Some songs are instantly forgettable, and some are timeless. “I Like It” manages to achieve both of those goals at the same time because of how boringly generic it is. I don’t know who this Enrique Iglesias bozo is, but he’s ten shades of lame. He comes from the school of “If I sound like a simpering bitch, girls like it, right?” vocal stylings. His lyrics (yes, he’s the top writing credit here) hit the worst part of bad imaginable: boring. There’s not a single good line in the whole song, but none of them approach the level of bad that makes them memorable.
Then there’s Pitbull, who is so forgettable that for this song he might as well have been called “[rapper]”, making the full title of the song “[boring sloppy club jam] by [effeminate whiny male singer] feat. [rapper that isn’t Lil Wayne/Ludacris/Nicki Minaj]”. At least it’s a more honest title than “I Like It”.
8. Mike Posner – Cooler Than Me
I actually reviewed this song earlier in the year, and looked at it as being kind of a non-entity of a hit. But coming back to it, there’s just no real redeeming qualities here. The production’s kinda messy and doesn’t really pull in one direction or another, nor is anything particularly catchy. Yet it was still the 19th biggest song of the year.
This song might as well be a 3 and a half minute manifesto called “Why I Shouldn’t Be Famous” by Mike Posner. He doesn’t even know how to act the part, look at him stumble around in the video. The way the song is organized, he’s already struck out with whoever he’s supposed to be lashing out at here. And I use “lashing out” very loosely; the only burns Posner throws at her are that she wears designer sunglasses, forgets his name (shit, I wish I could), and wears noisy shoes. Oh, and Posner’s vocals are total trash, check out how many times he has to take a breath during the song. “[breath] You got designer shades just [breath] to hide your face [breath] and you wear them around like [breath] you’re cooler than me. [breath] and [breath] you never say hey, or [breath] remember my name, and bits probably cuz, [breath] you think you’re cooler than me.” He’s the biggest vocal hack since Jason Derulo.
7. Jason Derulo – Whatcha Say?
Speaking of which, here’s Jason Derivative himself. I honestly love the first 12 or so seconds of this song, because it means I don’t have to deal with this jackass. Instead, I get to listen to Imogen Heap on the “So sampled I’m surprised no one got sued” chorus taken right out of “Hide and Seek”. “Whatcha Say” is a perfect example of how to not use Auto-Tune; Desucko is trying to make it sound like a subtle stylistic choice, but it’s laid on too thick for that to be the chance.
“Whatcha Say” also has the honor of being the first song on the list where the artist is truly an asshole. The message of the song is, “Hey, I cheated, but I’ll be making lots of money and dammit, I will buy your love back“. And that’s not even a subtle message in the song, look at the bridge. “I don’t want you to leave me/Even though you caught me cheating…but when I become a star/We’ll be living so large I’ll do anything for you”.
6. Train – Hey, Soul Sister
From the same breed that brought you such “I’m a douche” hits like “Hey There, Delilah”, “I’m Yours”, and “Your Body Is a Wonderland”, it’s “Hey, Soul Sister” (now with 90% more ukulele)! I’m usually ok with “feel good” songs, but this is literally a song about nothing. Seriously, these are lyrics in this song
“I’m so obsessed/My heart is bound to beat/Right out my untrimmed chest”–THANKS for that image.
“Your sweet moonbeam/The smell of you in/Every single dream I dream”–Words used: 13. Sense made: None.
“The way you can cut a rug/Watching you’s the only drug I need/So gangster, I’m so thug/You’re the only one I’m dreaming of”–Three, count’em, three cliches in four lines. And you do not get to use “So gangster, I’m so thug” in the whitest song in years! None of this is helped by Pat Monahan’s yelping falsetto vocals.
Ugh, this is what I had to deal with for the first half? It can only get worse, right? Check back in tomorrow to find out!