…sigh. Alright, bring’em on.
5. The Black Eyed Peas – Imma Be
The Peas have always been several things: braggarts, uncreative, weak producers, and repetitive as fuck. And if “I Gotta Feeling” was able to make a case for these traits as not being terrible, “Imma Be” manages to put them together in a combination so bad, the last time it happened was “My Humps”. This song is so tuneless that it’s not so much a song as much as sound coming out of the speakers. The beat is minimal almost to the point of not existing. And that blast of trumpets…did the group mix those in at the right time? Because they literally seem to come at random during the verses. Are they just there to remind us that we’re supposed to be listening? “Hey, we know it sucks, but listen, dammit!”
“Imma Be” also features the audio equivalent of Chinese Water Torture with how many times “Imma Be” or the shorter “Imma” comes up. It’s gotta be in the triple digits. And if you love stupidity in your lyrics, the Peas got you covered. Fergie reveals her need for Hooked on Phonics, and will.I.am makes the worst analogy ever by implying he pays men to deposit body fluids into him. There might be dumber songs out there, but none of them deduct IQ points as quickly as “Imma Be”.
4. Justin Bieber feat. Ludacris – Baby
Back when I first started this site, I wrote a blog about things I hoped would go away in the coming year. One of those things was the collective public cancer that called itself The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus. The JoBros spent a year getting married (no, not to each other) and putting out some piece of crap no one paid attention to, and Miley decided to commit commercial suicide, leaving her free time open to other activities. So I kinda got my wish.
But the phrase “be careful of what you wish for” exists for a reason, and in their place stood this kid.
“Baby”. True ubiquitous uninspired pop. The music for this song is so bland I’m surprised it plays when you hit the red button on a Fischer Price My First Pro Tools Set. Unlike “Imma Be”, “Baby” at least tries to have a melody buried in there somewhere, but it falls flat on what might be the least creative chorus of all time. Ludacris’ “I’m here for the money” guest verse is kinda laughable because, you know, this guy, but this song is just terrible. And to add insult to injury, this is Bieber’s biggest hit. At least he’s not being a total twat to the girl…
3. Chris Brown feat Tyga and Kevin McCall – Deuces
…because that would be this guy‘s job. “Deuces” is without a doubt, the most misogynistic song I’ve heard in a long time. And it’s set to this half-assed, no tempo beat that’s somehow the total opposite of catchy. The song is basically “I’m gonna get a better girl and leave you in the dirt”. Alright, there have been songs about that before, but nothing this belligerent. Chris Brown spends his verse singing about how this girl is always expecting the worst and how she’s a vulture, but I have a question for Chris Brown: Why are you with her in the first place?
And then Tyga comes in with a verse that, taken out of context, could very easily pass as lyrics from any emo band of the last seven years. “Trying to see eye to eye but we’re both blind”, “Fuck love, I’m tired of trying”, and my favorite, “My heart’s big but it beats quiet”. Man up, cub.
But I was actually going to leave this song off the list, until I got to 3:02 in the song, and Kevin “I’m a Fucking Asshole” McCall started. His verse reveals that he’s been two timing this girl, flips her off, and then tells her, “I’m a dick, so it shouldn’t be that hard to swallow”. And proving that he can Cross The Line Twice, he follows up a few lines later with, “I finally noticed it, it finally hit me/Like Tina did Ike in the limo, it finally hit me.”
2. Far East Movement – Like a G6
Yep. It’s really that bad. As stupid as “Deuces” was hateful, “Like a G6” has earned the spot of the worst song for which I’ve ever done a Radio Rant. There’s no way to dance to this beat, there’s no such thing as a G6 so the comparison is totally moot (unless you feel as fly as a guitar chord/chess square/Battleship piece), the verses feature the most broken English I’ve ever had to deal with, and there are no redeeming qualities to this song. Forgive me if I’m being brief here, but I already dealt with this waste of time before, and I know you’re all dying to hear…
1. Ke$ha – Blah Blah Blah
Here it is everybody. Ground zero. The seventh circle of pop hell. Literally one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. So why “Blahx3” and not any of KeAmericanCurrencyHa’s other failures? “Tik Tok” gets a pass on being stupidly catchy. “Your Love Is My Drug”, which bad, pales against the terribleness of “Take It Off”, which was only spared because “Blah Blah Blah” is truly this horrific.
This song is a clusterfuck of bad ideas. The bleepy-bloopy production sounds like it was made by an eight year old playing with SNES sound effects; there’s no consistency or rhythm to it, sounds are tossed in at random and sutured together by a gimpy, ugly beat. Ke$ha’s Auto-Tuning, which I’ve mentioned in plenty of places before, is so bad on teh pre-chorus that it is literally indecipherable without a lyrics sheet. I have had alarm clocks more pleasant to listen to than this song.
And then Ke$ha. I’ve listened to all of her singles. I’ve listened to Cannibal. I’ve even previewed Animal some, and this is her worst performance. Her nasally Valley Girl affected voice, the bitchy attitude, and her not-singing-not-rapping vocals make me weep for humanity. And these lyrics…“Just turn around boy, lemmie hit that” …excuse me, what? “Come put a little love in my glove box/Wanna dance with no pants on” No, I think I might catch something. This song is horrible. The only reason why I can even think that this was released as a single was as punishment for letting “Tik Tok” become a #1. And fuck all, I can’t imagine why it was one of the one hundred biggest hits of the year. May God have mercy on us.
But it’s not over yet. Tomorrow, I continue my look at the hits of 2010 with a look at the Top 10 Best Hits of the year.