5. Lady Antebellum – Just a Kiss

Last year, Lady A made end of the year lists with the Grammy winning “Need You Now”, a   somber if not sober tune about being miserable and drunk-dialing your ex. The band’s misplaced grandiosity fit “Need You Now”, because drunk-dialing itself has a sort of misplaced grandiosity; it feels damn important when you’re doing it, but the next morning, you’re usually thinking “Well, that was silly…”

But, as a band, going for the big sound doesn’t always work. A song like “Just a Kiss”, about a couple that vows to be ok with “just a kiss goodnight” as opposed to pop music’s usual “I wanna go all the way”, seems like it’d work better kind of understated, not something as hamfisted as Lady Antebellum serves up here. The fact that these lyrics sound like something a 13 year old writes about their first relationship doesn’t help things; “I know it’s time to leave…because my mom’s waiting with the minivan…but you’ll be in my dreams tonight”. The syrupy production and Disney-anthem just add to the ridiculousness; this doesn’t seem like a mature song, this is something tweens put on the mental playlist while dreaming of their first kiss. The sentiment’s a little too heavy, but refreshing all the same, since, as we’ll soon see, it beats the complete opposite.

4. Chrstina Perri – Jar of Hearts

I don’t know what it was about the past year or so, but a lot of our hits have been about telling off your ex. “Fuck You!”, “Rolling in the Deep”, “Best Thing I Never Had”…and “Jar of Hearts”, debut single by singer Christina Perri. “Jar of Hearts” isn’t the worst debut single ever, I have no idea who’d take that title, but damn did it set me off Perri until “Arms” came around. “Jar of Hearts” has a threadbare arrangement, and no memorable melody to speak of. Between that and the barely-there tempo, I alwaysthini’mdfingew–Ah! Shit, almost fell asleep there. Listening to “Jar of Hearts” is like being stuck in a four-and-half-but-feels-like-forever sadness montage thatjustblendstog….aszzz…ugh, I’ve got to stop doing that. Not since Bon Iver, Bon Iver has something put me out this quickly. Although the song is responsible for this, which always puts a smile on my face:

*Yawn* I’m going to go grab an espresso, what’s next?

3. LMFAO – Sexy and I Know It

This song. Ok, when LMFAO came out with “Party Rock Anthem”, I think part of the reason it caught on was that we all knew this was going to be LMFAO’s one tolerable song. Past history suggested as much. And, with an enthusiasm only seen in puppies and small children, out came “Sexy and I Know It” to prove us all right. I ragged on D.Guetta earlier for “Where Them Girls At” being the same six seconds of music over and over, but “Sexy and I Know It” tops that by repeating the same two second riff for the entire song. Redfoo being sexy is clearly a joke, but the narcissism sure isn’t; the reasoning behind this spew being released as a single can only be described as the same that Ke$ha had for “Blah Blah Blah”: “Hey, you chumps ate up the good song, so you’ll probably lap this one up, too!”

In addition to being a hookless, tuneless jam by knuckleheads who can’t sing and can barely rap, “Sexy and I Know It” also spawned a horrifically disappointing video. LMFAO proved with “Party Rock Anthem” and, to a lesser extent “Champagne Showers” that, doltish musical abilities aside, they could at least turn a clever, funny video and some nice dance moves (“Showers” has a few around the 3:25 mark). “Sexy and I Know It” is like they saw the “Dick Slang” video and said, “Fuck it, let’s make a video around that”. Good lord, and we’re only on number 3?

2. New Boyz ft. The Cataracs & Dev – Backseat

Occupying the exact same spot as “Like a G6” from last year’s list is “Backseat”, rather fitting since “Backseat” is “Life a G6” with a different vehicle and moronic rap group. However, the hook, producers, and song are the exact same, so much to the point that I’m honestly wondering if this song just exists purely because The Cataracs and Dev wanted to see if we’d all fall for the same bullshit twice. Like Far East Movement, Newboyz front with entirely too much bravado for them to backup, and as a result, their verses are just laughable (as well as, you know, awful). “Met a couple girls in the Escalade” Aren’t you supposed to pick girls up in the club? Wait, the whole song’s about the back seat, and wordplay about cars…hell, these guys couldn’t even get in the club. And that’s about all I have to say about “Backseat”. Other songs on the list were aggressively loud, or failed to produce anything with substance, or inert, but “Backseat” is just uninterestingly awful on every level. And now, number one…

1. Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris – Tonight (I’m Fuckin’ You)

Fuck this guy. Every one of Enrique’s last couple hits have highlighted how much of a scumbag the guy is: “I Like It” was “Hey, you should cheat with me, because I’m awesome and you’re hot!”, “Dirty Dancer” was “There’s this chick that always puts out…I’m getting it in, and so  should you!”, and then we have “Tonight I’m fucking you”, which is “Hey, look that way while I slip this in your drink”.

I could complain about the piss-poor unimaginative club banger production. I could complain about the annoying AutoTune “Yoooouooouooouo”s. I could complain about how no matter how you slice it, this song has no positive qualities. But hell, it goes beyond that. This song pisses me off. Enrique’s excuse is that, “Oh, yeah, it’s just fun”, but that’s bullshit. “Tonight I’m fucking you” doesn’t really give the other party a say so (you know, consent), and Iglesiasshole doesn’t really seem to like this woman. She’s just there, and he wants her because fuck it, he’s a celebrity, and they’re supposed to get whatever they want whenever they want. Does, “It was fun” hold up in court after she presses charges?

For a less rage inducing, and more fun entry, check back tomorrow for part one of my picks for best hit of the year!